Late Night Tales

Malin,
your sarcasm
is very endearing.

In Sweden,
no other
is as appealing.

A poem,
for you -
is it revealing?

A wink
and a smile
can be oh so deceiving!

So shit it!
Malin,
I'll see you this evening.

The Incredible Tale Of The Mysterious Monosyllabic Multiple Personality Suffering Dove Spotter

"Dove!
Dove?
Dove."

"Where?
Above.
Oh."

The Effulgence of Eric the Elephant

Eric the elephant was a classy elephant
more classy than most other elephants.
He starred in plays, and spent his days,
in an orphanage for forgotten orang-utangs.

He'd tell them stories from his childhood,
that he had remembered from years ago.
As a little elephant, Eric was taught a lesson
by a Sith Ifrican hunter and his Smith & Wesson.

The story helped Eric become an adult elephant,
and made him become the ambassador he was,
until one day, riding in the back of a lorry
Eric was joined by a mystical Maori.

The Maori chanted while dancing the haka.
"Ay akah! Akah! Ooh akah! Akah!"
and Eric started glowing a wondrous yellow
and POOF! he vanished into thin air.

Eric disappeared never to be seen again,
the orang-utangs cry for his much-needed return.
For Eric the elephant was an effulgent elephant -
witty, charming and so very effervescent.

Something about pregnant penguins and pudding?

"Something about pregnant penguins and pudding?"
said the wise young lady to the drunken old liar.
"Ooh arr, that ye will have" his breath stinking of booze,
from the Sunday soiree, shooting the shit at the saloon.

So the wise little lady sat down and prepared herself
to be amazed by the old liars lyrical prowess.
She had heard so many times before
about his dreams, hopes and above all else his madness.

He took up his pen and on the paper he wrote,
'Alas m'lady I is too drpunk to be poemly'
and so he retired to his bedroom in drunkenly fashion,
sending obscure ornaments crashing to the ground.

The wise little lady had but two choices,
ensure he slept safe or leave for pastures new.
She was disturbed by his drunken devilishness
but she acknowledged as well his admiration for her.

So she proceeded up those steep little steps,
drowned in the sweat of the drunken fool
and tentatively edged twards the bedroom
praying for his safety, to say nothing of hers.

She pushed open the door and saw his sleepy head
peeking out from under the sheets, and so
she too lied down, putting her arm round his corpse.
And it was the soundest nights sleep he ever had.

Foxy Ladies

The 16 year-old Fox
went for some botox
so she could look
young and gay.

Little did she realise
that to her surprise
she didnt have the
money to pay.

So she went outside
and with her wide eyes
started sucking men
off for cash.

And quick as a mop
she entered the shop,
paid the money and
was off in a flash.

A Magoo Haiku: Patience

Ne'er-ending rainfall
A wrench in my hollow heart.
Waiting for Sunday.

Mister Trapezium Head

Oh Mister Trapezium Head
Look at the state of ye!
Your head is not normal
it's very potato-ly.

Oh Mister Trapezium Head.
with head full of helium.
Why did your parents
call you Trapezium?

Oh Mister Trapezium Head
deported from the US
because your name is wrong -
should be Trapezoid Head.

Oh Mister Trapezium Head
I prefer parallelograms,
rhombuses, not nonagons.
Mr Nonagon Head is a numpty.

Swedish Women

What do Swedish women eat for them to be so hot?
All sorts of scrumptious delights including ostrich snot.

They drink the blood of boiled bats,
and the milk from a teat of a Tunisian cat.

They scrub themselves in gleaming semen
and even the spleen of a scheming demon.

They cut down trees and squeeze their knees,
feeling like me after a bowl of peas.

I've gone off on a tumbling tangent
Nothing rhymes with the word tangent.

So to conclude this rude interlude,
have you viewed a 'suedoise' nude??

A Serious One

Yelena,
I love you.
Nothing more to say
Except

Tundra...

BAGS???

Monkey Strippers

"Oooh-waa-aaah-aaah"
Hear the monkey cry,
As it climbs the pole,
And starts to shimmy.

"Oooh-waa-aaah-aaah"
Hear the monkey wail,
As it takes your money,
This is not funny.

"Oooh-waa-aaah-aaah"
What happened last night?
What did we drink?
You start to think.

"Oooh-waa-aaah-aaah"
The monkey's in your room,
It's gonna shoot you in the face,
you should have went elsewhere.

"Oooh-waa-aaah-aaah"
Monkey world domination.
Starting out in the strip-clubs,
moving up in the world.

"Oooh-waa-aaah-aaah"
Now the humans are monkeys.
And the monkeys our leaders.
What an awful turn of events.

Suicide Unicorns

Unicorn, unicorn
what do you do?
When your life becomes
a big load of poo.

Oh unicorn unicorn,
you can't always smile.
Now it's time to kill you...
oh wait you killed yourself!

Lobotomy Lovers

Henry went to the doc because he was going insane.

He said "Oh Doc, can you help heal my brain?"

The Doc said, "What's the matter? Are you in pain?"

Henry replied, "I'm in love with Shania Twain."

So the Doc replied "No bother, she is very pretty!"

But Henry then said, "I actually like her ditties."

The Doc stood there aghast, feeling lots of pity

for the old man Henry, and his little kitty

For his kitty just stood there, licking its front paw;

of the four that it had, one of them had a flaw.

So this kitty had three paws, the other one was raw.

It's poor Henry's fault - he cut it off with a saw.

The little kitty looked pretty and also pretty sore,

but today it was Henry's turn to come to the fore,

and be treated for his illness that he could no longer ignore.

A lobotomy was needed, now and no more.

So the Doc was operating - Henry was under the knife,

in order to prolong his lonely, loveless life.

In sixty-three years, he'd never had a wife

Instead of going on dates, he went to see East Fife.

The operation ended and it was a success.

The Doc looked at Henry and said "I have to confess;

the operation went well but I have to stress

that the rest of your life - you will be a total mess."

Henry looked at the Doc and he started to cry.

He shouted out loud "Why God? Why?"

Then he left the hospital, saying his goodbyes,

He started to shout out loud, "I want an apple pie!"

So he went to the pie shop and went up to the till,

and said to the waitress whose name was Jill,

"An apple crumble please, give me my fill."

So Jill gave him his fill and also the bill.

Henry sat down and started to think,

that beautiful lady she gave me a wink,

so he went up there to order a drink,

and get her number or another wink.

Jill gave him even more - some oral sex.

He was surprised by the effect.

He went out the cafe and what happened next -

He fainted and died instantly...

Get Well Soon - A Text Message Odyssey

Oh dear.

Did I hear right last night that

you go run over by a bike?

Get better soon you silly boy!

How you doing now like?

Fucking hell!

I'm betting that you were drunk!

Pauvre Ade!

I'm just glad you're okay (you mong)

Just text me to make sure

that you are still alive.

Your call-time has been loaded.

Your balance is now £10.05

Winter Of Discontent

Winter now comes in early September:

when last it was warm - nobody can remember.

We all stay indoors to keep warm by the fire,

the only one outside is Kieron Dyer.

After 32 injuries, he is in dire health

so wrap up warm and look after yourself.

Dribbling

Oh my little lovely,

you really are so sweet.

You track back, then attack,

showing off your quick feet.

If you were a woman

I'd shag you so hard.

But alas, you are not,

you are Steven Gerrard.